Wake up! You need to stay awake! Open your eyes, you’re going to be okay. Please open your eyes.
The clouds slow dance in the sky under the blissful rays of the sun’s striking heat. It brushes against the transparent skin of the white clouds. From one end of the earth to the other, I watch the blue blanket underneath the floating, white puffs in the sky as it shifts from shades of aqua to navy. It seems almost too beautiful to be real, the patterns of nature complementing each other so well. Perhaps I just witnessed the perfection of God or maybe it was simply a weather shift.
Whenever my thoughts seem to wrap me up like a blanket, I tend to watch the sky. Time seems to warp and one second is 7 hours for the rest of the world. Since I was younger, the memories in my brain could have more power than a single bullet. No matter the magnitude or significance, the projector in my brain can replay a memory over and over again. It never bothered me, since it did not prevent me from being happy.
You were always by my side; I cannot thank you enough for showing me the importance of caution. We were inseparable. The rest of the world saw one person, but there was actually two of us together. Forever, we will be together; I see it.
The day I allowed you to take my life over changed me forever. Instead of a frown, I smiled in fear that you’d reveal our problems had I not obeyed. You would yell at me and nobody said a thing. In their defense, I covered up your behavior claiming that it was a “bad day”.
At night, you would dance with me. We would keep the world on our fingertips for we could control everything. The sandcastles I built with others crumbled down when I left them behind. The moonlight beams upon my skin as you torment me with your lies and hopelessness.
I should really thank you for being there for me when nobody else could be by my side. It made me stronger, but also is my biggest enemy. Thank you for keeping me away from danger and from those who love me. Your power is so great that a bullet couldn’t hurt me as hard as you do.
I lose hope a lot.
Sitting in the psychologist’s office, I twirl my fingers at the possibility of an escape. Life without you would be so easy.
The nurse calls me into the office and points me to the therapist’s office. I sit down on the soft, leather couch.
“So what brings you in today?” she asks me while sensing my nervous energy.
I reply, “I have an abusive relationship with my anxiet-. “
Reality sets in. I lie there in the emergency room struggling to take a breath, while my best friend is by my side attempting to keep my eyes open. There are bandages on wrists and my skin is washed out. My stomach burns with the small substances in my system that flow through my blood.
“Wake up! You need to stay awake! Open your eyes, you’re going to be okay. Please open your eyes,” my friend shouts.
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If you or somebody you know is struggling with anxiety, depression, or any other illness, please get help. The Suicide Prevention Helpline is open 24 hours and 7 days a week.
Cover Photo by: The Irish Times